The "old" Malcolm has died! A new one must arise! Forget the past and fight for my future! Do or die mission!

Yesterday was a most SIGNIFICANT day. AN END to my five emo days, hopefully forever. A day when I finally had the courage to cast aside my unpleasant past and present failings and decide to move on into the future.

With Pastor Darryl Chan

Met up for lunch with my long-time friend who is now a pastor in my church. Darryl had called me up yesterday to my surprise to arrange to speak to me over lunch. I felt that He must have been sent by God at a time when I really needed help because we had no prior arrangements to meet yesterday. I ended up sharing with him more than I was initially prepared to share. In the end, it was such a FRUITFUL session that I felt that I need NOT speak to anyone else anymore! Details of what we discussed were of course confidential. Suffice to say that Darryl also fully realised the reality of my situation and my assessment of it. He felt that the fact that I had acknowledged these problems instead of continuing to suppress them was a big step forward. He gave me some fresh insights from the Bible and from his personal experiences in counselling to show me how to move on from the rut that I faced. Thanks Darryl, God really spoke through you.

Alone with God at the Botanical Gardens

I then took a bus to this lovely place in the evening, where the sun is low, the climate cool with breeze, the trees filled with chirping birds with the blue sky and white fluffy clouds. This was God's natural creation at its best - the best place to encounter the presence of God. I sang a few worship songs and started to lie back and look up to the sky and lament to God about my past failures and existing problems. At one point of time, I was so frank in asking him, "why" that tears actually streamed from my eyes (only the second time in my adult life)! Fortunately, nobody was there to see a big man like me cry. I felt better after that, no wonder girls cry! It can be quite therapeutic! We men should perhaps not feel ashamed with crying at times when we feel hurt or frustrated! Except for the sounds of nature, it was very quiet and I could feel God's comfort at that moment. I then felt more confident about moving on from my existing state and prayed to God to help and guide me in securing my future. Thank God, you have really lifted me up again!

I walked away feeling like a different man. A man determined to make a break with the past and chart my own future with God's help and guide. I must persevere in carrying out several radical yet practical things I had planned to do to change my future destiny.

Inspiring worship song - GOD WILL MAKE A WAY by Don Moen

MAIN STANZA

God will make a way,

Where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength for each new day

God will make a way, He will make a way.

CHORUS

By a roadway in the wilderness, God'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But God's Word will still remain

God will do something new today.

Daily cycle of normality and depression. Why am I still so emo at my age?

I do fear disgracing myself nowadays in my blog. Should I be sharing or not? What would people think of me? My adult mind tells me that I am making myself vulnerable and shameful if I share but sharing makes me feel emotionally better and also because I do not like to put on a "false front" of emotional immunity as I often had to do as a teacher last time. Enough of all that past "false front", I am and I can't help being an emo person!

I have been going through a daily struggle these few days between cycles of normality and depression. I felt quite alright yesterday evening. Then I suddenly woke up at 6 a.m. this morning full of depressing and negative thoughts in my mind again. And instead of putting into practice any of the six things I resolved to do to get rid of these, I lapsed into my old emotional habit of wallowing in self-pity. I just lay on my bed thinking and lamenting silently. My past and present failings came to haunt me again:

Why am I born with such distinct traits and unique interests that make me so hard to mix with most people? Why am I such an unadaptable social misfit?

Why am I such an intense, melancholic and emotional person?

Why do I still not find fulfilment even though I am now pursuing my passion and studies?

Why can't I lead a "normal" life and have "normal" thoughts like my peers?

Why do I still find something missing in my life even though God has blessed me abundantly?

Why do I still lose sight of meaning in life even though God has already clearly revealed it to us in His Word?

Why is it that I cannot detach myself from the past and from certain people in it even though I have to move on in life?

Why didn't I do certain things earlier in life and now can only look back and regret because my time has passed?

Why am I so lacking in certain skills and certain aspects of my life?

How can I move on when most "doors" have closed by now?

How can I be positive when the reality will never change?

and so on and on...

Just when I can't stand all these thoughts, my long-time friend, Darryl, who is now one of the pastors in my church, called up to arrange to meet up with me to talk over lunch today. I truly desire to speak to him and have him pray for me. Thanks Darryl, for the phone call. It seems that God has been arranging for different people to meet up with me over a meal each day since three days ago! Really thank God! Hopefully I will soon get out of the rut that I have fallen in!

I was just reminded by a line from a hymn (worship song):

"Morning by morning, new mercies I see. All I have needed, God's hands have provided, Great is Your faithfulness, Lord God unto me!"

Reunion with (Mr) Benedict Tan and Belinda (4E1 - 2003)!

After a haircut in the morning, I went down to the National Library for my once a week full-day reading of a book for my Historiography module. Today's book "Denying the Holocaust" was quite interesting, it's about about how people try to distort history by denying that Hitler deliberately killed millions of Jews in his occupation of Europe. It's quite similar to how some Japanese historians are denying that the Nanjing Massacre took place.

Then I interrupted my reading and went to Bugis to have lunch with (Mr) Benedict Tan, my close ex-colleague who left BSS at the end of 2004. We were going to meet up with Belinda Chandra 4E1 (2003), an Indonesian Chinese former student of ours who returned to Singapore after a short visit. Benedict was her form teacher while I taught her Combined Humanities then. We were real glad to see her after a long while. After going back to Jakarta, she had studied Medicine and is now at the attachment phase! The three of us inevitably talked about the "good old days" again. Seems like so many of us really had fond memories of the days in BSS.

Benedict proved to be someone who really understood me well. After hearing my normal routine of library and books nowadays, he correctly identified part of the problem of my low morale to the fact that I was not interacting with people as I did daily last time. He saw in me a "talkative" person who just simply could not be reading the whole day without talking to anyone! He accurately recognised the point that few people were doing what i was doing and that made me feel isolated and lost. He suggested arranging with people for lunch whenever I am doing a full-day reading. Very insightful analysis from a most treasured friend of mine whom I do not get to see often nowadays as he has two children already! Thanks, Benedict, I shall try to follow your advice!

Six things I will do to keep depressing thoughts away

Even my mum noticed that something was wrong with me these few days. I felt so guilty to have to tell her to leave me alone. I did feel less depressed again yesterday after going out for dinner with my ex-BSS colleagues. Thanks Tze Ming, Jerry, Jamie and Shushan for putting up with all my crappy talk. I also thank Kit Geok and Alina for your constant encouragements. If anything, I am once again reminded of the intangible satisfaction and fulfilment of having been a teacher, which money cannot buy - having the friendship of so many batches of ex-students! I have not forgotten the other batches of ex-students even though I only paid tribute to my last Sec 4 batch in yesterday's post. It is just that I had the most interaction with 4E1/4E2 (2007) amongst all the batches. I taught them from Sec 2 to Sec 4; they were the first in BSS to break the "history curse" by having a clear majority choosing Elective History; 1/3 of them were in my "Battlefield Guides" and of course being the last graduating batch will always be more memorable, together with the first batch 4E1 (2003).

SIX THINGS I will do to keep depressing thoughts away

1. Pray to God and listen to worship songs/hymns.

2. Read and reflect upon the Bible and other related books of practical wisdom.

3. Keep myself busy so that I don't think too much!

4. Chat or go out with people whenever possible, especially cheerful and optimistic people to balance my pessimistic outlook!

5. Live one week at a time and not think too far ahead!

6. Consider speaking to an unknown counsellor or pastor. There are some issues in my life that I can only speak to someone who does not know me. I need to get these out of me and not keep them with me for life!

I really felt depressed today but thank God for comforting me!

REPLY TO COMMENTS

To Alina: Ya, that was a nice song but problem is that now it is making me depressed.

TODAY'S POST

Some things in life are simply beyond our control. There are some things and some circumstances in my life that I wish in my heart will change but I know in my head that it will NEVER happen. I got depressed for almost the whole day just thinking about these, depressed enough to trigger a mild asthma attack! It has been at least 7 years since I last felt so depressed! Doubly worse when I am depressed about things that I cannot share with any other humans on earth! Who to turn to?

Fortunately, as in the past when I was depressed, I prayed and talked to God for almost thirty minutes about my sources of depression and I felt better after that! It is not that God doesn't know our problems. As an all-knowing God, He knows all these things without us telling Him but God wants us to bring our problems to Him and acknowledge his control over our lives. What man proposes, God disposes. I must learn to accept what I can't change in my life. I must trust that God has a better plan for me that is ultimately better than what I would expect. After all, that has happened before in my life. Generally, God has never let me down all these years. He has shown that He can be trusted in the past. One example, I shared before was when he sent me to BSS even though I did not want to be posted there. I only understood His purpose for me there after I left the school.

Of course, that does not mean I won't feel depressed again. I am only human and a very emo one too! I will feel depressed again but i have to always remember the words of this song which we sing in church sometimes which reflects what God has promised to those who have a relationship with Him through our faith in Jesus Christ.

SONG THAT INSPIRED ME TODAY THAT I MUST REMEMBER WHEN DEPRESSED!

What a friend we have in Jesus,

All our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged;

Take it to the Lord (Jesus) in prayer!

Can we find a friend so faithful,

Who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness;

Take it to the Lord (Jesus) in prayer!

Are we weak and heavyladen,

Burdened with a load of care?

Jesus only is our refuge.

Take it to the Lord (Jesus) in prayer!

Do your friends despise, forsake you?

Take it to the Lord (Jesus) in prayer!

In His arms, He'll take and shield you,

You will find a solace there.

Amen.

Pulau Ubin Cycling and Hiking Escapade - 19/9/08

With Chiw Foong, Jesslyn, Roy and Jason. Photos courtesy of Jason Ng

The abandoned Pekan granite quarry now filled with rainwater 50m deep. It is now a haven for fishes and birds such as sea eagles, herons and egrets. Pulau Ubin means "island of granite" in Malay and granite was blasted here since the 19th century for construction of buildings and houses on the mainland. That was one of the main activities which villagers used to do here together with rubber tapping, fishing and farming.

The top of Bukit Puaka (74m) overlooking Ubin quarry, the sea towards Singapore. One can see most of Ubin, Changi and the airport, Pasir Ris flats all the way to even the skyscrapers of Orchard Road and CBD (some 30km away) on a clear day! From behind, one can also see the Straits of Johor and Malaysia itself. I even spotted from here the seafood restaurant at Pasir Gudang, Johor that I had a meal years ago! No wonder both the British and the Japanese used this hilltop spot to observe each other's military during World War II.

The old British house at Tanjong Chek Jawa built in the 1920s for a high-ranking government surveyor. It is a complete replica of a 16th century English tudor house with a fireplace too! When it was constructed, access was only by private yacht which moored at the jetty in front. There was no overland access to this house until much later. Now it is preserved as the Headquarters of Chek Jawa Wetlands showcasing the fauna and flora that can be seen here.

The observation tower at Chek Jawa where you can see the whole panorama including the 1km sandbar that is covered at low tide. Sightings of white-bellied sea eagles are common here but we did not see the hornbills though.


Sunset from the bumboat as we make our way across back to Changi Village. Hope the rest enjoyed it! I sure do!

My first history assignment in 7 years! I got an A-/B+! Thank God!

Reply to comments

To Mockingbird: I do not know who you are but thanks anyway for your kind words!

Today's Post

YES, today's tutorial was not bad as well. Dr Farrell said my preparation was "thoughtful" and i got back my first history assignment in 7 years, its really BETTER than I expected! Its one about the philosophy of history (historiography). I came up with this question, "Is History True?" and have to answer it with support from three readings. My summarised conclusion - Facts alone DON'T make history. Historians use facts to interpret history, so history is SUBJECTIVE but as long as the historian is careful about supporting his interpretation with logical use of facts, investigates and thoroughly searches for and cross-references a wide variety of sources from a wide variety of viewpoints and apply critical thinking to question sources for reliability and usefulness, he can still produce a work that has MUCH (not total) TRUTH in it. (To my ex-students - basically I am talking about the necessity of using advanced source-based question techniques here, in case you are confused!) Of course, NO one historian alone can claim to have written the final version of history of a topic because what he has written must be subjected to changes with new facts or sources uncovered and/or better interpretations by others. (Sounds like I am "smoking" my way through! Hahaha!)

Hope this good result will be the trend for all assignments. Really thank God for it! Thanks to Kit Geok, Sumedha, Ms Ang Shushan, Yaochong and my anonymous ex-student for your encouragements!

Applicable Leadership Principles from my tutorial study and comparison of six best generals of World War II

REPLIES TO COMMENTS

Yao Chong: Thanks. All the best to your exam preparations too.

Sumedha: Yes, good point that you made. Thanks for your encouragement.

TODAY'S POST

Last Thursday's solo tutorial turned out well. Thank God! Dr Farrell's called my preparations a "very decent job" meaning to say, well done! Still, I realised that I could not totally answer all his questions! There was no way to fully prepare for all his questions. So often I thought I had prepared well for tutorial only to have Dr Farrell ask me an impromptu question that stumped me in deep silence! There was no way I could have foreseen the kind of questions he would ask me! I must admit that I am still very far away from my professor's knowledge and depth of analysis and thinking!

Anyway I am beginning to realise that military history is NOT just about fighting battles and wars. There are many lessons and general principles that can be applicable to our civilian world as well. The qualities of a good general are also the qualities of a good leader, manager or boss of an organisation or business company. From my comparisons of the leadership of the six best generals of World War II for my tutorial, I shall sum up the qualities a good leader should have, which is quite common knowledge (not in order of importance):

He/she must be professional and competent in what he/she is doing.

He/she must be confident in front of subordinates.

He/she must be decisive but yet flexible in responding to changes.

He/she must lead by example and be able to inspire and motivate subordinates.

He/she can be strict and firm yet fair and consistent.

He/she must care for the welfare of subordinates.

He/she must stay in touch with the "ground" by attempting to see, hear and feel personally, what is the real situation there and what his/her subordinates are going through.

He/she must ensure control of the "big picture" by personally directing subordinates when needed but yet knowing how to delegate the smaller tasks to trusted and capable subordinates instead of trying to micro-manage everything.

He/she must ensure that matters of logistics and administration are well-taken care of.

I must get rid of my pessimistic traits, after all, I am studying what I really like!

Reply of comments (from now on I will reply to comments, so do feel free to drop me a line in response to my post next time)

To anonymous ex-student: I wish I know who you are! Your thinking is so matured and so advanced for your age! You correctly analysed the problem that I was facing! Thanks a lot! Next time do consider giving me your name. Perhaps you can personally let me know who you are through SMS, e-mail or MSN!

To Ms Ang: I am not quite sure I know which Ms Ang I am referring to but still thanks for reminding me of Jesus' promise to us who are his disciples. I must continue to trust in His promise to be with us through all difficulties in life.

Guess I am more composed now than I was two days before to see things in the right perspective. That was just one tutorial and I should not fret over it. Amidst some difficulties adjusting, I am still passionate about what i am doing. I am studying the very things that I have loved since young. My next tutorial is on something I am much more familiar with and I think I should do better - I have to compare the leadership, command, strategy and tactics of the three most successful British generals of the war versus three most successful non-British generals of the war (I will choose two German and one Japanese, I think) and also to explain who I think is the best and worst British general of the war and why. This topic on generalship is to me MOST interesting, one that I dreamed of doing since young! At least I must console myself that i am heading towards where my passion despite some difficulties that I am facing in my studies.

Somehow despite my jokes and humorous acts in class last time, I must admit that I am an emotion person with pessimistic traits since young that cloud my judgement and make setbacks seem worse than they actually are. It is with my mum and I think she passed it on to me. This is something that I must get rid of but it seems hard. Still, many uncertainties in life lay ahead but I must not be beaten!