I do fear disgracing myself nowadays in my blog. Should I be sharing or not? What would people think of me? My adult mind tells me that I am making myself vulnerable and shameful if I share but sharing makes me feel emotionally better and also because I do not like to put on a "false front" of emotional immunity as I often had to do as a teacher last time. Enough of all that past "false front", I am and I can't help being an emo person!
I have been going through a daily struggle these few days between cycles of normality and depression. I felt quite alright yesterday evening. Then I suddenly woke up at 6 a.m. this morning full of depressing and negative thoughts in my mind again. And instead of putting into practice any of the six things I resolved to do to get rid of these, I lapsed into my old emotional habit of wallowing in self-pity. I just lay on my bed thinking and lamenting silently. My past and present failings came to haunt me again:
Why am I born with such distinct traits and unique interests that make me so hard to mix with most people? Why am I such an unadaptable social misfit?
Why am I such an intense, melancholic and emotional person?
Why do I still not find fulfilment even though I am now pursuing my passion and studies?
Why can't I lead a "normal" life and have "normal" thoughts like my peers?
Why do I still find something missing in my life even though God has blessed me abundantly?
Why do I still lose sight of meaning in life even though God has already clearly revealed it to us in His Word?
Why is it that I cannot detach myself from the past and from certain people in it even though I have to move on in life?
Why didn't I do certain things earlier in life and now can only look back and regret because my time has passed?
Why am I so lacking in certain skills and certain aspects of my life?
How can I move on when most "doors" have closed by now?
How can I be positive when the reality will never change?
and so on and on...
Just when I can't stand all these thoughts, my long-time friend, Darryl, who is now one of the pastors in my church, called up to arrange to meet up with me to talk over lunch today. I truly desire to speak to him and have him pray for me. Thanks Darryl, for the phone call. It seems that God has been arranging for different people to meet up with me over a meal each day since three days ago! Really thank God! Hopefully I will soon get out of the rut that I have fallen in!
I was just reminded by a line from a hymn (worship song):
"Morning by morning, new mercies I see. All I have needed, God's hands have provided, Great is Your faithfulness, Lord God unto me!"
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1 comments:
It is actually very therapeutic reading your blog entries mr tan. haha. so keep blogging. I wish there is clear solution to your problems. It seem like self doubts and feeling lost happens at any stage of our life. But with supportive friends & family and faith in Him, we might just be assured that we will figure our way out.
Oh. and i think it is perfectly normal to be emo sometimes! =)
ex-student.
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